Hyder's 100th Post.

Congratulations Hyder. Ya did it man, your 100th post.

It's been quite a while. I mean... wow not bad. Its been almost 3 years.

Well I'm in sec 4 and halfway through. I've gone through so many phases in this teen life that I dont' know where to begin. Smiles, upsets, laughter, horror, fatigue, celerity, courage, perseverence, hate, despair, embarrassment, nonsense, jubilance, failures and accomplishments.

What a day. What a week. What a year. What an irony.
Four years and still I have not grown out of the particular things I'm suppose to get rid of. And so many different evolutions, not one am I proud of.

Sec 1: The Mouse.

I was small, scared and oblivious to others around me. I was amazingly helpful, friendly, stupid and vulnerable. I feared all the others around me, I longed to be the best, I showed the rest what I'm made of. I was curious of what I will go through, with not a clue of what's my fate. Tiny, helpless and confused.

Sec 2: The Puppy.

Unknown to what the consequences were, I took stupid risks, with the hope of obtaining the rewards I never deserved. Like a sick, annoying little canine, I developed pointless infatuations, not one did I not regret. I endured every sick joke they played on me, every kick, every beating, every bite, every scratch. My heart pledged for vengeance, restoration and hope. And I succeeded.

Sec 3: The Wolf.

Towering over those who used to intimidate me, I stepped forward with a new destiny. Old friends departed, new companions came in. I only looked towards victory, despite so many challenges that arose. Little do I know the pursuit for desire would only open a can of worms. Alone and confused, once again, I suffered under my own actions, I repeated mistakes. I even discovered the meaning of true love, and the happiness behind it. But I found myself drowning in a pool of emotions everytime I crawled out from under the rock. But I fought to the very last bitter end.

Now in sec 4 I'm still finding myself. Not the fool, not the geek, not the emo. I'm still stuck in a broken love triangle. IM STILL STUCK IN THIS BLOODY HEARTBREAKING LOVE TRIANGLE. I don't know why do I still do this, why do I even bother DREAMING? I guess if I'd just receive all the answers it probably won't hurt so bad, aww the crud. Sinking... kicking... have to survive the waves before I drown once again. I think now I know what my sec 4 stage is.

Sec 4: The Mouse, The Puppy and The Wolf. Drifting apart from my sanity, I wish to break free once more. Maybe grow fins or even wings.. I'm still as vulnerable as the mouse, as hapless as the puppy, and as alone, and confused as the wolf. I still jump to conclusions and offer myself sacrifice to fate. I have yet to counter every weakness, and still I submit to them occassionally. My past has left many, many scars, which some I know can never heal. Put myself on the line: Crash, and burn.

Like I said, there are some things I've done or been through that I am not proud of, and is still haunting me till this day. Maybe, just maybe it'll be one last evolution before I leave high school. She's still a part of me, and its really really hard to face the reality of all this. Is there a hidden truth behind all this? She knows damn well it kills me, but I'll never break free from her clutches. Why deos she seem so close when she's the person I'll never be with in the future? Will I ever find my answers?

Metamorphosis and all that, has taken its toll, and maybe I'm not ready yet to break out of this cocoon. Happiness or destiny, one of which I shall have to sacrifice. A 100 posts, and still seeking the true meaning of victory. Still drowning in confusion. Still crawling in the dark.

One day, Hyder, you'll see.