Irrepressible emotions

Your Guardian Angel

by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

"Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven"

This song is like a stormcloud. Across the sky a dark cloud approaches, growing more massive by the second. Whirlwinds rush in, darkness overshadows everything below. Sorrow and despair would then be superseded by rage, ferocity, excitement and intensity as a thunderstorm breaks out. It goes on in me. Lightning strikes my heart and rain storms my mind.

Music has a lot of emotional influence in me. Significant songs such as this one, despite how new it may seem, may trigger memories and will lead to irrepressible, or even undesirable emotions. And boy, do they bring thrill. That's all I ever wanted in everyday life- thrill. It hurts so bad yet feels so good. It's fun being emo.

All I wanted was to see you happy. I was there for you when you needed someone, and I stayed beside you in case you break down. I saw my significance to your life but as time passes, it slowly starts to fade. You've become more stronger as the months went on.

Would you look back one day and remember the boy who never regretted staying by your side and would you call him...

..your "guardian angel?"

I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven..

Stupefaction

Oh kay well, I guess I owe you some kinda explanation for the previous post since.. well.. obviously I was NOT myself. And I guess you're dying to know how the 'quacking' came about. Here's the sad story:

Unless you're HauYan or DunPing, you won't know that I had a shut-eye (it means SLEEP) during a really crucial two hours of the day, and I woke up at 10:10pm. DunPing, I guess I was too traumatised to tell you the whole story.. HauYan, I WANTED to tell you, but considering the number of 'huh?'s you're throwing back at me, I'll write it all here. Haha, I can't blame you, I'm an idiot after all. ~

ANYWAY, mom and dad left home at evening but they entrusted me with the responsibility to run an errand for a woman living two blocks away at 9.30pm. It was an incredibly-important errand, to send some stuff to the woman when she gets home. I know her, but she never knew I existed, she's mom's friend. I figured I'd get this simple job done in no time but na na na na, reality check: I only woke up 40 mins late. Why? Fatigue..stress.. and I complacency. My comp was on when I awoke, 2 ppl wanted to talk on msn, when suddenly I noticed the time on the screen.

... T.T Beautiful night for a stroll isn't it?

Panic. Panic. Panic. What now? Change and get my ass to the woman's house now? Or just sit here like a good boy and await my doom. How would the woman feel? How would my parents feel? How would I feel? Stupidity made me stay awhile to compose my thoughts. But maybe it's time the woman got some justice so I rushed there immediately.

Well, here's the painful part. I waited a good 5 minutes outside her door and a woman in her late forties confronted me with a murderous look on her face. She didn't open the gate, but she lectured me in old-fashioned malay. I stood there, timid and volatile, and my head filled with a sorrowful mixtue or regret and embarrassment. I was too overwhelmed by stupefaction to actually listen to what she was blabbering about but I think it's something about 'no responsibility' and 'lack of compassion' or whatever. A little boy popped out behind the woman with a thumb in his mouth and a rubber duckie in the other hand. I eyed him as he squeaked it relentlessly, his mother just went on and on. After a few unfamiliar malay sayings, she took the wretched bag and I fled.

As I returned home, I didn't know what to feel or think. All I could remember was that stupid noise that marched through my head like a thousand armies. Or maybe a thousand... DUCKS.

Quack..... Quack...... Quack..... Quack...... Quack...... Quack..... T.T

I sat before my computer again, I can't say anything more to my friends. When mom and dad got home, I was still thinking about the last paragraph of my will. I stepped out of my room and told them I had something to say. But here's the part where it hurt the most: they already knew.

......

Days in life such as this one, would remain in my mind for a veeeery long time.. considering how much damage it caused. My insides are still shaky from the earlier visit, but at least I'm in the right mind to reflect. Mom and dad gave me a good tongue-lashing.. on the importance of responsibility... discipline.. initiative and other stuff.. Today wasn't exactly one of the happiest days of life but I guess it did teach me a lot. Face it Hyder, you're not perfect. Now that I've blogged, I feel so much better. There's only one problem left:

....I can't sleep now. T.T

Quackity Quack Quack

QUACK QUACK!! QUACK QUACK QUUAAAAAAAAAACK!!! =.=

Quack quack quaack quack quack quack. Quack quaaack quack quack HauYan quack DunPing quack quack msn quack quack. Quack quack quackk 10.10pm?? Quack!! Quack quack 9.30pm quaaack quack quack 40 quackk quackk quack!! Quackk Quack!! Quack quack quack quaaack quack quack quackk quackk quack quack quack! Quack quaaack quack quack quackk quackk quack quack quack!! T.T

Quack quaaack quack quack quackk quackk quack quack quack!!
Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quackk quack quack quackk quackk quack quack quack! OMG Quack quack quack qquack quack quack quack quack quack!

Quack quaaack quack quack quackk quackk quack quack quack...

Quack quaack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack.... Quack!!
T.T

101 Things I like.

(In no particular order of likeness)
I like...

1)My brothers
2)To scream my heart out
3)Sweet victories
4)Black
5)Darkness
6)Decency
7)Being emo
8)My family
9)Emo Rock
10)Sheer thrill
11)Cute chicks
12)Loneliness
13)Zach
14)Luke
15)Serenity
16)Drawing
17)TenDays
18)Special Friendships
19)Blogging

20)Jeff Hardy
21)Fighting fears
22)Justice
23)Authority
24)Recognition
25)Coolness
26)Backstreet Boys
27)My cousins
28)Spicy chicken drumlets
29)Brunettes

30)Seeing life through lenses
31)Humour
32)Travelling
33)Bad shooters
34)Breathtaking views
35)High altitudes
36)Rain
37)My sista
38)Sea breeze
39)Auroras

40)Children
41)Finding answers to life's questions
42)Breakneck speeds
43)Patience
44)Faith
45)Survival
46)Reflections
47)Shadows
48)Disappearing
49)Emotive self-portraits
50)Hoobastank
51)Stars
52)Chasing dreams
53)Thrill rides
54)Doing somersaults
55)Civilisation
56)The Click Five
57)Someone's smile
58)Admirers
59)Making new pals

60)Flights
61)Dinosaurs
62)Heroes
63)Fantasy fiction
64)Peace
65)Fulfilled promises
66)Sharks
67)Everlasting friendships
68)Trust
69)Happy days to remember
70)Holograms
71)Being remembered
72)Random dreams
73)Superpowers
74)Role Playing games
75)Releasing emotions onto paper
76)Dragons
77)Being a daredevil
78)Boombastic words
79)Roller coasters

80)Ball lightning
81)Helping my loved ones
82)Lending a shoulder to cry on
83)Creating characters
84)Designing dream houses
85)My curly hair
86)Being mysterious
87)Smart chicks
88)Marshmallows
89)Gryphons
90)Jellybeans
91)Sunny lagoons
92)Constellations
93)Falcons
94)Bumper cars
95)Raptors
96)Jellyfish
97)Asteroids

98)Metamorphing

99)Making movies

100)War games

101)You. Coz ya just wasted five minutes reading things that make me smile. =)

Hypocrite

Sorrow after sorrow after sorrow.

Usually what do you expect when you actually read this blog? Listen to me grieve and lament about how sucky my life is...? Well, it's entirely up to you coz that's what I'll be doing most of the time. I would bore even myself to death if I were to ramble on the pointless details of my life. This blog, shall I declare, is a medium for me to RELEASE all dark shades of the heart. I know I'll be better afterwards, and it has never failed me once.

Why don't people just get it right. If I need help, I'd ask for it. When I'm lost and uncertain, I turn stupid. Stupidity will define your 'care and concern' as just 'being nosy'. Yup, stupid is inevitable when you're Hyder. You're just born with an excellent brain but you don't really use it well. Don't help me, I'm born to live alone, and when I need help, I'll look for help.

This is for a great friend whom maybe I would have lost out of stupidity. Explaining this to you directly after the 'incident' wouldn't be wise so maybe you'll see after you cool off. Or maybe, after I cool off.

It's hectic and difficult times like these when blogging would never have felt better. Days just pass by, I've learnt to slightly endure the pressure. I struggle to keep my life balanced, trying hard to make a difference. I have to admit, I've changed a damn lot, and I'm just not being myself for quite some time. Pretty much a real idiot, hypocrite even? Yup, it's fine, I accept the nastiests labels, I've lost my rage and I don't really care. All I've been through seemed to have developed a lot of patience in me.

You say maybe I should like complain all this in my blog. So people would develop some pity for me? Yes, I do complain, I emo ridiculously all through my posts but people just don't know how much it really helps. You're not me, you don't know what I've been through.

I'm still trying to cope to all this, interllectually, emotionally, socially... and now even morally? I know I've never been the same, yup, a hypocrite as you described, it's about time I got something I deserved. On the quest to perfect life, I ruin it at the same time. I can't remember the time I last savoured happiness, let alone be the friend I should be. I'm at the crossroads where it's either languish or death.

Fine. I'll tell you what's up. My talent and love for drawing is going down the drain for certain religious reasons. I'm drifting further away from my family. I'm having doubts about my schoolfriend's trust. People are saying things about me I never could have imagined. There's huge pressure on me, my grades are falling. I'm subjected to consecutive twist of fates. My destiny is fading away.

Desperately living life, chasing hopeless dreams, sacrificing pleasures, fighting emotions, trying to stay in the family, and now, I have to lose friends? Is it my fault death seems so tempting when I have so many things to live for, like staying someone's friend. I know you too, your share of troubles, but PLEASE (if you really was concerned) understand what it's like to be in my shoes? I'm not faking this, it's pure reality and I'm not seeking your pity, just your forgiveness.

If fate forbids you from forgiving me, then I will not regret coz I tried. I could have just let it go, but I still try. I've done a lot of things I've never really been proud of, but time always heals the wounds. You are, and always have been, one of the greatest friends of my life, so you'd leave a deep scar. You know you still have something that belongs to me, and that's one of my treasured works, called 'ZeoLand'. That's your 'name' would you please return me what's rightfully mine. Or I'll grow up with the thought that you stole it from me. If you've lost it, then I'll look for it myself when the End comes.

Goodbye, for now.

Forever

Yes, common tests are over but it hardly meant anything to me. Pressure after pressure, misery after misery.

Love - The root of all evils.

Why am I not surprised.

All this time maybe you didn't know it but I've been trying my best not to cross the line between love and friendship. We've been through so much, girl, how could you think for one that I will replace someone as special like you. Whatever shit I had as my reason for my words, you know now. I've told you.

Yes, I have been jealous, but I kept it in. You're too sweet to get angry with.

Yes, I have been depressed, but I kept it in. You're too cheerful to upset.

Yes, I have been in love with you, but once again, I kept it in. You're too treasured to lose now.

You know DAMN well I'll never leave you. I'll always apologize, I'll always be there for you. I still try my best to help you even when you never listen to me. I still come crawling back to you even when you tried to murder me with your words... your actions... your emotions...

So why should this happen now. We've been thru more bad times than good, but our faith in each other picks us up. Thats what makes US so special. Maybe we're inseparable, or maybe I was destined to leave you at the first sign of rejection. But I didn't.

" Life's so great when you're not in my mind. "

That's true. I think so about you too. But no matter how contented I am with what I have, I will always look back and see that, life's incomplete without you. Yes the puzzle's almost done, it look's stunning now, but there's still a piece left. And that's you. Don't you get it?

You're part of me, you shaped me to what I am today. You made me understand true love, eternal friendship, blissful happiness, wonders of life, shadows of regret, shining rays of hope, glowing talents, ruthless misery, bleeding heartbreaks, pounding hardship, flares of envy, and a blazing passion to pull through and live another day.

I'm so glad I have the patience to carry on.

I don't give up.

But all that I have to give right now is....

that's right, ..

..CINTA.

*sebisa mungkin, tak akan pernah, sayangku akan hilang*

Devastation

7 am - 2.30pm -- Everyday school lessons

2.30pm - 5.00pm -- Remedial + CCA

7 pm - 9.30pm -- Night classes

10.00pm - 1am++ -- Homework and daily revision

12/2/07
The teachers of 4e1 had a meeting yesterday and they talked about how 4e1's progress hadn't met up to the principal's standards and how much pressure we're under now. The teachers pity us. Pity. That'll save us from our sorrows. Okay, well I have to credit the teachers, they're really trying their best to nurture us to our fullest potential. It's all up to us now. But the real question is, if we're working so damn hard everyday, why aren't we moving forward?

No, wait a second, why aren't I moving forward?

Would I call myself a failure? No matter how hard I seem to try.. I'm standing still. How many nights have I spent walking alone under the streetlights, avoiding the gaze of passerbys, and enduring the dagger stares of misery in my heart?

My rage is growing.

14/2/08
Love in the air. Maybe for you there is but I feel nothing. THANK YOU SO MUCH to u gals for ur gifts (yea luv ya too). It could just be the most special day for some, to me it was different. I've never felt so much pressure before ever. When I got home I collapsed and may have shed away some of that migraine, but suddenly I felt a surge of depression inside me.

SHIT. I DONT HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT. I DONT HAVE ENOUGH SLEEP. I DONT HAVE ENOUGH TIME. AND I WILL ALWAYS NEVER HAVE ENOUGH INFORMATION JAMMED INTO MY BRAIN. I can't even think straight anymore. I don't know where I'm going.

I found myself once again walking back home from night classes. As the cars zoom past the road, I wondered how it felt to stand in the path of an oncoming truck. As I walked under the void deck, I wondered how it felt to have a flower pot falling 24-storeys and crushing my skull. If I just die now, would I be relieved or regretful? Would I ever be free?

My future's bleak. Awfully bleak.

It's Valentines and the moon's only half-full. If the moon was full tonight, I would transform into a werewolf and unless someone shoots me till I'm dead, I would devour every living soul on Earth..

...and that includes you.

.......

Paparazzis

Doesn't this picture just make ya dreamy? Sorry I just cant help it im runnin outta pics..

Heyyerrs..

Ever get the feelin you're being watched? For a kid like me, paranoia is inevitable. Lols, I always get the feeling someone's watching me or even someone talking behind my back. Often I'd look over my shoulder only to fill my heart with unease. In most occasions, usually these bad vibes could turn out to be true..

Well for the first time EVER, these 'senses' actually turned out differently. It was at the library, I was wearing my sweater which was on me the whole day, and I was with John and Oliver. Everything seemed normal until I had this gut feelin im being watched again. I turned around and from quite a distance, a camera phone peering over the wall ducked instantly at my sight. ==

Okay, so I fixed my eyes there and a pair of eyes and a ponytail pretended to look somewhere else. That totally cracked me up. Moments later, there ~they~ go again, peering from between bookshelves hoping to get an emo captured on camera.

It was just a pair of sec 1 girls. I met them up close later. One asked me to 'date' the other whom she calls 'chio and retarded' while the pounded each other continuously. God, it was hilarious.

I'll give them my number tomorrow, and maybe I'll get mandarin oranges in return..

Y'know I've been in this situation for a few times but I've never really know how to handle em. Usually I'd just put on a shy smile and be happy I'm noticed. But hey, paparazzis like me do get paparazzis too! (if u know what i mean)

I'll talk more on this when I have the chance. Life is exciting, it's never gotten better. We only have a few more days before we're moving out of the NIGHT STUDY ROOM!! Back to the home room system, and worse part is, NO MORE 18degrees frostbites!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Hah~
Happy chinese new year to YOU~!

~HYD
~hyder_blazeshadow835@hotmail.com~

Bedbugs

Yoyoyo...

Latest updates:

31 Jan 08
Dad sent me to school that morning and was that when I noticed there was something peculiar about my face. Just when I thought my hair looked bad enough, I noticed something much worse when I got to school. Jumping out of the car, I dropped my bag and hurried to the toilet and I saw the most ugliest bump on my right eyelid. OMG, I looked liked I just had eye cancer or somethin and it reminded me of quasimodo. Bullshit, how the hell am I gonna get this thing me, I'm a monster. Its like half my eyelid had inflated and it covered the tip of my eye.

Yeah my pals said it was swollen and I could do nothin about it. I constantly had to cover my eye coz I look hideous. So I endured the first half of the day and I escaped my facing S.Cheong and she said it looked 'very bad and you seriously need a doctor.' I had my parents fetch me to the clinic. Doctor was right, it was the bug bite. Damn you bug.

Well, at least I manage to survive without hardly anyone seeing it, but I guess I had to surrender to my friends whom I used as shields from the crowd. Lol, 3/4 of the class didn't even know why the hell I left.


Well the great part came later, I skipped tuition coz mom and dad returned home with a new laptop( I didnt expect it) I helped set up our new Vista (and im using it now) yay i have a vistaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..... WOOOOOOO~

still i wont be using the comp much. My life was more meaningful without the comp. I won't blog much but I;ll keep updating.

Haaaa haaa~ tag me ritez?
You're cool.

Absence

Heys

Just recently my computer broke down and I probably have to go get a new power supply. right now at my grandma's so i guess i should take the opportunity to blog.
So I'll probably wont be blogging much soon at least until i get things fixed. In the meantime I'll go bury myself in books..

My blog's not dead yet okays.

Okay I've just updated my study timings and inflated it. Tuition on tues, wed, thurs, twice on saturday and also sunday. Why does it feel like I'm not having enough? Hmm.. somehow without the influence of blogging and msn, revision ain't that bad after all huh.. *Hyder has gone nuts*

Temporarily I won't be able to chat with loong and sis on msn but I'm always reachable by sms. Bizarrely, this doesnt seem to affect me much... coz n the end the bottom line is ya can't have too much of a good thing. lols...~

(But if you think I'm a good thing, I'll be happy to give you more than you deserve..)
Hehehehehehehehehehehehee.... XD

Look here and you're so damn awesome. :)))
See ya sooooon.

~Hyd