*****~~~Crawling In The Dark~~~*****

14 February 2007 - 21 July 2009

Here lies a beloved blog once belonging to Hyder.

A treasure trove of intricacy, satire and expressionism.
A fusion of simplicity and profoundness.

There's nothing like it.

;)

Close

Well, this is it.

Change is inevitable, and we all carry on through life by going with the flow.
So here I am, finally posting after a seemingly endless hiatus, only to return, to declare an apparently, the start of my endless hiatus.

In short, I'm quitting blogging.

.....


...



****

My Past

I'ts been one heck of a journey since my first post. All those senseless, immature and immensely idiotic cries for attention in the beginning.. then we moved on to a more overemotional and pathetic first-class loser, and then slowly, yet unsteadily, more changes continued to unfold. Here I give a rundown of my journey in CrawlingInTheDark....

I never liked person I used to be. I must have wasted half of my life trying to find the answers to the questions.... that never really needed to be answered. It's excruciating if I were to look back on the previous posts. I want to go back in time and kick the crap out of the 07' hyder so badly. At least, beat some sense into him.

He's the biggest loser I ever knew. Whatever they said about him, it must've been true. Come on, let's face it: half the shit I wrote in the past never really made any sense to you, did it? In the past, I've always succumbed to everyone around me because I had no confidence in myself. I saw myself as the weakest link, an outcast. I failed to realize my true potential.

In life, there'll always be people better than you. Yes, that's true, and you'll continue to be a loser if you compare yourself to them. You don't compare yourself to others.

You only compare yourself to who you were before.

****

My Change

Just to enlighten you guys on where am I and how I'm doing presently, I've never been better in my entire life. I practice Silat at least thrice a week. I go for weekly runs and gym workouts with my best buddies. I'm currenly living my dream course and I enjoy studying the subjects I take in Polytechnic. I have new friends that believe in me. I still have old friends that I value more than anything. I still continue to hone my writing skills. I still do my best to lend a listening ear and help out my friends.

See every day as an opportunity. See every challenge worth taking on. See every moment is worth living.

We all make mistakes. When we do, we make amendments to better ourself. Hence, besides my progression, I've also left a lot of things behind me. Such things include being excessively emotional, ungrateful, immature, uncertain, timid, and WEAK. I've also given up on videography, movie making, anime, and a lot of television.

Sadly, I've also abandoned a trait of mine which had brought glory and reputation to my life during my early years - drawing. And here I add one more to the list: blogging.

Just thinking about this tears me apart.

In the past I've played around with a familiar word: metamorphosis. I was so obsessed with it, I even used it for my email address: hydemorphosis. When I look at it now, it sounds pretty lame. How true does it relate to me, actually? I'll have to admit I've underestimated the meaning of the word. I was wrong. Declaring it became an excuse for me in the past to better myself. The truth is - I didn't.

Much of the more recent things I write about revolve around this topic of 'change'. Maybe not directly at times. Ironically I never understood it myself. At least not until now. Change is a strong word. Barack Obama rose to power with this word - and he succeeded. This very post is a cornerstone of change - the change I'm going through. There's no stopping me now.

****

My Blog

So let's take this as a 'funeral' for my dear blog. I've always liked it. It was different.

It's not just any ordinary blog. It doesn't have an over-enthusiastic, flashy blogskin. It doesn't have a flooded tagboard. It doesn't play a tune that nobody wants to hear. It doesn't have a oversized link list of people whom I never really knew.

It doesn't live on the number of hits. Neither does it live on the frequency of posts.

It's just a simple, black blog, with brightly coloured words. Expressive pictures adorn every post. Ambiguous titles conceal my true intentions for writing.

A treasure trove of intricacy, satire and expressionism. A fusion of simplicity and profoundness. There's nothing like it.

I love it.

Words have always been my favourite way of expressing myself. It works every time. I'm not quitting because I don't have anything to write anymore. I'm quitting because I don't see it as a necessity to my life anymore.

If it's unnecessary, it's unproductive. If it's unproductive, it's irrelevant. Whatever that is irrelevant, is negatory. Whatever is negatory, is a waste of time.

I don't need to flush away despair by whining on my blog. I don't need to broadcast my happiest moments to the world. I don't need to blog to remain in the 'in' crowd. I didn't use this blog as a journal, it was more like a tool to get rid of stress. No wonder I don't need it anymore.

The most important lesson is that words can only take you so far. No matter how bombastic your vocabulary, no matter how incredibly persuasive your remarks, no matter how honourable your intentions, no matter how flawless your language skills...
you can only make a true impact on the world if you step up and take action.

****

My Thanks

For a long time, there's been a list of names displayed on the sidebar. There's a reason for that. Before I end this, I'd like to thank the following people. Though this may seem a little corny, and it's like I only have two weeks to live, just bear with me okay. I'm not leaving Earth -.- but my emotions are undeniable. So here goes, in NO particular order:

Dun Ping
Thank you, for being CrawlingInTheDark's number one fan. Thank you for being an awesome writing partner. We work excellently together, if only the writing could last longer. Just like the comics we used to make together. As we grow up, we continue to share the same passions. There's no other friendship quite like this before. I look forward to training with you one day. =)

Carmen
I've always liked your alternate name (I wouldn't stop using it!), even you prefer to be known as Jam. Your tags are a lot more appreciated than they seem, thank you so much! Things will look up for you, you're way too valuable to the world. And I know, just like Dun Ping and Mai, our friendship will continue to blossom even in the future. =)

Maisarah
Thank you. Even though I've never told you, you made me feel extremely special at times. Wish we could talk as often as we did. I look forward to our next reunion. Believe in yourself, because a lot of people believe in you. I believe in you. One day you'll be living your dreams. Until then, take care of yourself okay? =)

Nasha
You never fail to bring joy back to my heart whenever I needed it (or even when I didn't, hahaha). It's always been loads of fun talking to you, even though sometimes I seem kinda mean. You're just full of surprises. It's adorable, in a painfully annoying kinda way. I didn't lie when I said you're one in a billion. Thank you so much. =)

Cheng Wei
Dude, besides being a best friend, I've always considered you a role model. You're terrifically talented, both aesthetically and academically. I enjoy every conversation we have, whether casual or online. And I've always been a fan of your art, and your JOKES!!! I miss working with you. Thank you, and stay awesome. =)

Oliver
Only you and Cheng are the ones from Tendays who still keep in touch with me after all this months. I know we've heard this a million times, but I can't resist saying it: I miss the good ol' days. Oliver, I've always seen you as a person worth respecting. Thank you so much. Stay cool. =)

Sharil
You're absolutely not just an average Joe (Jonas.. HAHA), and I am deeply honoured to be your best friend. Are we still best friends?? Where are you, man? I miss chatting with you online. I miss your old blogs. I miss your annoyingly witty remarks. I miss your cooking. I MISS PICKING ON YOU!!! We seriously need to catch up. Thank you for everything, Sharil. =)

Joanne
I've always been a big fan of yours. Your language skills are so inspiring, your blog has always been my personal favourite. Besides that, I always enjoyed our long online conversations because I can relate to you so well. Your personality stands out for itself, and that earned a great deal of my respect. Live strong, okay? And thank you for everything. =)

Khairin
I'll always treasure the memory of those days when we hung out together. Apparently we moved on pretty quickly from what we used to be. You're one of the rare few who can actually understand me when I'm at my lowest and couldn't turn to anyone else. So thank you. I'll value our benevolence forever. Miss you a damn lot. =)

Hau Yan
We'd been through so much together, I doubt I could ever find the words to describe how much impact you've made on my life. It's been a pleasure seeing you grow up, you've become so independent now. I'm really proud of you. Though things have changed, I wish to uphold the promises I made to you in the past. Promises are meant to be broken? I'll prove it to you that it ain't true. And like always, I'll be here for you, now and forever. You can count on me. Thank you. =)

Hau Yee
It's been a ridiculously long time since we talked. I really have no clue of where you are and how you've been. I'm sure things have been going well for you. I mean c'mon, your life rocks. Haha.. I'm grateful for your compassion and everything you did for me. I still miss you. Will we meet again one day? Until then, thank you for being a sister to me.

Tzu Ying
You write excellently and that's a trait of yours I've always admired. Your posts are a joy to read, kudos to you! Thank you for your generous tags. It's been a real pleasure knowing you. Remember, I'll still be here if you need advice. Best of luck for your upcoming O's. You'll breeze through it. I just know you will. =)

Zach & Luke
Well, what can I say? We're so close, we can practically read each others' minds. I'm forever grateful to you guys.


....

There we go. I wish I could thank everyone I knew. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friends. But only you guys mentioned above are the ones whom I really feel deserve my upmost gratitude. All of you are invaluable to today's society and heroes of tomorrow. Trust me on that.

=D

The blog isn't going anywhere. Feel free to leave me comments or tags. Oh just do whatever you want. I don't care anymore. I wanna turn this blog into a relic. Maybe I'll visit it every once a decade or so. Hahahaha.

Here's Hyder, signing off for the last time!
Carpe Diem!

See ya~

Malevolence

*Click*

Warm Up

Have you ever had those days when you are completely confused of what you are feeling? Sorrow plus happiness plus thrill plus exasperation... equals? I may sound kinda crazy but that's just the way it is. Puzzled thoughts cram your mind and you become weary and have migraines.

Your brain is like a blender and the outside world continuously throws in different emotions which whizzes and whirls and winds up... sucking all the sanity out of your soul dry until you are just a heartless, icy zombie who leeches on the goodness of the hearts of others.

*GASP*

That was quite a mouthful. So much for the 'warm-up'..

Anyway, back to reality.

Well, recently, Zach, Luke and I have been hanging around with each other a lot. Long story, so I'm leaving out the boring stuff. Lots of weird stuff happened to us recently when we were together. I'll zoom in on two particular situations, whereby 'weird', as I mentioned, meant 'oh-oh, things are about to get ugly'.

Situation One: 8pm Saturday

The three of us were walking down the sheltered walkway at Chai Chee, heading towards my house. It was dark and quiet. We were mindlessly re-enacting Russell Peter's stage performances. Then there was this Chinese man, walking in the opposite direction towards us who exploded into fury the moment he passed us.

Inconveniently, his sudden outburst of cursing in Hokkien scared the fuck out of the three of us. Oh, he yelled really really BAD words to us, but he continued walking.

Drunkard? Yeah, most probably. We laughed it off later. Thank God there was three of us. The bastard could have assaulted a poor soul if he was alone. Thank God the three of us are not really a bloodthirsty trio of hooligans or the drunkard ends up being the poor soul.

Speaking of bloodthirsty hooligans......

Situation Two: 11:30pm Tuesday

The three of us were taking a night stroll at a neighbourhood in Bedok Reservoir. We chilled at a void deck nearby. It didn't take long before a gang of Malay hooligans spotted the three of us engaged in conversation. There were about seven of them, sashaying their way in our direction. Zach and Luke were talking to each other and it was this moment when I realized I had to 'ahem' switch gear. We're outnumbered. Things are gonna get ugly.

Like a pack of hyenas(although I prefer to call them swines), the group split up and harrassed us by surrounding us. They started giggling in amusement as they slowly walked by us, scrutinizing us intently, waiting for us to make a mistake by making eye contact.

Well I'm sorry for all of you action junkies who's reading this, but no, we did not get into a fight. If we did, I don't think I'd be alive to blog about this. So what happened was we kept our cool and waited for something to happen. Unfortunately they walked away.

The three of us were annoyed. It'd be damn fun to kick the shit out of those dweebs. But why fight a losing battle by responding to their taunts? Yeah, it's macho, but since you don't have anything to prove here, and you have nothing to gain... getting into a fight would be completely unneccessary.

*************************

A couple of similar events have happened to us before, when the three of us are together. Just thinking about it excites me. I pictured what would have happened if the three of us... DID get into fights..

Outcome of Situation One:
Well obviously the drunkard who be beaten to pulp by the three of us martial arts enthusiasts. I have silat experience, Zach has his Muay Thai and Luke has a warrior's stature. Not to brag, but I can assure you we get the job done in not more than two minutes.

Outcome of Situation Two:
Wow, if we did actually respond to those taunts, inevitably SOMEBODY'S GONNA GETTA HURT REEEEEEAL BAD. 3 noobs versus 7 boobs. From their side, I foresee at least five will have broken jaws, at least three will have dislocated limbs, and someone'll prolly leave with a concussion (or his eyeballs gouged out).

And as for us, we'll be lucky if we even make it to the hospital. LOLZ.

Gangsterism. I've always wondered what life was like on the other side of the law. It'd be fun, but it's just not worth it.

I don't know why but when my pals and I are together, we seem to magnetise malevolence. People just feel like they need to 'kick the crap out of these kids' when they see us. Well whatever happens to us, I won't mind as long as we die together. Lolz.

If you're still wondering what the title means, it aint a mispelling of 'male violence' because that just sounds dimwitted. Malevolence means hatred or ill will, which lots of people possess nowadays for no reason. That's life in the new millenium.

Okay I have to go now.
I just need to write something here just for the sake of progress.

~progress updates
structured programming quiz 5: 10/10
TCS Reflection journal 1 : 23/25
PEEE Quiz 1 : 76/100
IDEA Tutorial 2 : 93/100

Right, gotta blast.

Parry Parry Parry

Hey hey...

Alright updates updates updates...

Camp

It has been 2 days since my return from the SPSC orientation camp. It was great, except I was kinda disappointed about the night walk. I promised myself not to swear throughout the whole thing, but I broke that promise unintentionally. T.T

I scolded one of the ghosts ‘Bastard’ before kicking her (yes, her) away. She was hiding behind the door in the stairwell, which I had to pass through. Well, lucky for both of us, she’s representing SP in the IVP competition, so it shouldn’t have hurt. =P

And of course I scowled at two other ghosts ‘Damn fucking gays’ after they ambushed me from behind the pillars. I contained the urge to punt one of the crawling ghosts (who was chasing me), because I couldn’t stop laughing... All in all, it was a good experience. But I’ve had enough scares to last me a month.

Studies

Just a rundown of the past few test results........ Bad news first.

• Engineering Math Class Test 1: 78%


• Engineering Math Class Test 2: 67.5%


• Structured Programming Lab Test 1: 83%


• Structured Programming Quiz 3: 100%


• Structured Programming Quiz 4: 100%


• Engineering Maths Computer Quiz: 100%

Shit. It may seem like good results but actually what you are looking at shouldn’t be the case for a Year 1 student. And it’s only being like what, not even 1 term. My friends who are doing less than me are getting much higher, some even full marks for tests. My math tests are trashed... my mind has been telling me that I’m under some sort of curse... I can’t believe it. I’ll keep on trying.

One lesson poly life has taught me so far is that no matter what happens, you must learn to FACE YOUR FEARS. Your fears are the venomous flesh eaters that stop you from moving forward. Even though the world is against you, it is never the end. Whatever you do, you must be courageous enough to face the harshness of reality and push on. You'll reap the rewards later, just keep your chin up and don't look back.

Training

Yesterday I went for my special Monday training session with the seniors. The coach gave me a head start by letting me train with them. How honoured is it to be the only freshmen training with the big shots.

But hey, training with the athletes is no walk in the park. Reality check - I was nearly beaten to death when I was dragged myself into parrying training against THEM. Parry, parry, parry. Sneak in a few kicks and punches, and then parry, parry and parry until you collapse. My arms ached after deflecting so many hard blows, and I could hardly breathe under the chest guard.

Ironically, I love it. Being with them feels like I’m already a step higher than what I actually am. They, and the coach, encourage me for taking dozens of blows – that’s good news.

Likewise, here’s a rundown of what I’ve learnt OUTSIDE usual training (two weeks):

• 7 new battle stances


• 5-blow combos


• Tepis & tangkis (parrying / deflecting blows)


• Sapuan (‘sweeping’ your opponent off the floor..it’s my first advanced move)


• Rapid barraging before luring for a surprise takedown (it’s a technique. I call it... ‘Duster’. Hahaha)


• Switching stances


• Hiding weakness points


• Sabit (Direct translation: Sickle... it’s some sort of roundhouse kick)


• Basic counterattacks

Wow, I’ve learnt quite a handful. It’s just awesome. XD I could go on in detail, but that’ll be the dumbest thing to do – revealing your tactics openly to potential foes. Defeats the purpose of 'self-defence'. For all I know, someone could be spying on me right now, analyzing my moves. Oh yeah, that was also another lesson – to continuously analyze your opponent during sparring.

Personal Life

Poly rocks. You just get new eye candies every day. Crushes? With the pace I'm going, I guess BG relationships are the last thing I'd want right now. Yeah well, they come in and out of my mind like traffic but that's normal ain't it? Wait till you get into Poly, it's like heaven compared to secondary school.

I wonder how Romeo's doing. I hope she's taking good care of the lil' guy. She's doing well too. But I know she is - she got a scholarship. =D I'm proud of you cupcake, good luck for your upcoming Chinese O's.

And as the rest of you guys out there - love ya'll and do yourself proud. Whatever shit life throws at you... just parry, parry, parry.

=)

Evolve

Dear Diary

Each day of my Poly life has been extremely fulfilling. I’ve started to accelerate my growth and maximize my time doing very meaningful things. Though it has been painful, limitless motivation has always prevailed over everything else.

It may sound bizarre (and somehow lame), but I have been carefully calculating the amount of experience I achieve each day. Yes, literally calculating using points. Just like a Pokémon, I too, level up. I evolve. I battle. But there is one exception – I do not take orders.

Have you ever felt something you desire so much that it obliterates every other petty wishes? I have. And working hard has never felt so good. I’d never thought I’d see the day when I’m training in martial arts and perfecting my skills in personal guidance of the captain himself.

It’s been weeks of training, and I have suffered quite a number of injuries already. Frequent cramps, lip bruises, cuts, and my skin must have peeled a billion times. I struggled to perfect my kicks but my mentor never gave up on me. His patience is admirable. And my comrades – my predecessors – are the source of my inspiration. I can’t let them down. I can’t let myself down. I have to be stronger. One day I will too, like them, pit my skills against other warriors in the arena and emerge victorious as a medallist.

For once in my life, I’m training to fight a TRUE battle.

Unfortunately, day after day, people continue to criticize or jeer at me. They say I would never make it. They said I was lying when I told them of my new passion. They told me they could easily crush my bones in a fight. They told me not to revise so much. They even said I’d never finish my food. They never believed in me. They just wouldn’t.

But day after day, I became more immune to the negativity of these despicable sheep. I see progress in myself. I know I've changed. I'm no more the emo, miserable, ass kissing clown I used to be.

There is no easy road on the path to greatness, and there is no telling what challenges lie ahead. Everyone must learn to take risks and must stand by their own principles and beliefs. Realize your strengths and use them to your advantage. Life will open up new paths and opportunities – if you just be patient and have faith in your own potential.

Put your heart and soul in everything you do.

Momentum

Dear Diary



My life has been progressing well. My studies are way ahead on track and I've learnt to live a balanced lifestyle. However most people might disagree on the latter because they think I chiong too much.



Please... your negativity is contagious. Stay away from me you morons.



Anyway.

I breezed through my second official class math test on Logarithms today. Or so I think I did. But whatever. I got the privilege to listen to Fall Out Boy while I tackled the problems so it was more of a game to me than a test. Call me weird, but I just LOVE it - The thrill of doing algebraic equations. Seriously, they should legalize listening to music while doing math exams.



I was talking to Jiao Xu (my maths shi fu) prior the test on my paranoia. I realized that I had very little confidence in my answers and that was what held me back and drained my momentum. I would always turn to the back of the book to check my answers to every single question, despite the fact that I was really sure they were correct. I'm paranoid. So for the first time in my life, I reminded myself that I wouldn't let paranoia stop me for this test. So I put a little faith in my answers. The music kept me going.



Of course, its not the music that helped me through the test, it was definitely the practice. C'mon, the only reason you're not passing maths is because everyone else practises more than you. So would it hurt to practise a teeny bit more than the rest and stay ahead of the game? After all, you know deep inside you're above average. You don't wanna remain average. Why aren't you doing something about yourself?



Okay so enough about math. Yesterday I started writing entries into my Destiny Diary. It's something to do with my CCA and it's private. And for those who have stereotyped me as a nerd/emo/nobody, then it only makes me more convinced not to be open. There are just so many pessimists and cynics that would insult and condemn my ideas. Believe me, it HAS happened, more than once.



Personally, I don't think blogging works anymore (well, not for me). The intricate details of my life are just not worth publicizing. I'm not going to be some immature loser who whines about committing suicide and screams 'Fuck the world' just because of a screwed up one sided relationship with the opposite sex. Get this: the world doesn't care.


Oops. Another anger wave.. Did I just ruin your day? If I did just take another look at the post picture. =PPP

Right, I have to go now.. I'll update more soon. =)

Re: 818

Wtf....

I spoke too soon.

-.-

818

Today I cleared out 818 text messages from my inbox.

It's funny how 75% of them were from the same person.

Now that she doesnt sms so frequently anymore...

life's gonna be a lot more peaceful.

=)

The End.

Passing Cloud

Dear Diary of Randomly Pathetic Whinings,

Sometimes I wonder why I'm usually disregarded in other people's lives. It's like I'm a mere come-and-go thing or...

Something not worth talking about.
Something not worth scrutinizing.
Something not worth mentioning.
Something just plain ordinary.
Something which wastes your time.
Something insignificant in the background.
Something to take advantage of.
Something which never made much of an impact.
Something that could've been ignored.
Something you've gotten too used to.
Something considered a minor detail.
Something you use once and throw away.
Something uninteresting.
Something trivial.
Something uninspiring.
Something negligible.
Something irrelevant.
Something subsidiary.
Something unnecessary.

A cameo. A decoration. A piece of old furniture. A passing cloud. A device taken for granted. Yesterday's news.

Someone whose story isn't worth telling...

Someone whose words aren't worth repeating..

Someone whose questions aren't worth answering..

Someone whose advice isn't worth seeking..

Someone whose life isn't worth reflecting..

Someone whose dreams aren't worth respecting..

Someone whose legacy isn't worth remembering..


*Shrug*
Oh well.
Then again...
Maybe it's just my imagination.

Slaughterhouse

Neither failure nor defeat exists in my veins

I am not a sheep, waiting to be prodded by my shepherd

I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk with the sheep

I will not listen to those who weep and complain,

let them join the sheep.

The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny

I will persist until I succeed.

Wow.... O.o What bold statements.

Dude, you are so damn cool. I wanna be a lion too!

Paragon

I was there when you first took off.

I caught you when you couldn't flap your wings any longer. Though it wasn't much, I prepared a nest of warmth and compassion for you to rest after your courageous flights.

I flew by your side in the most calamitous of storms, I safeguarded you from the malevolent blizzards. I was your guardian in the most torrential rains, I had your back in the eye of hurricanes...

My patience for your demeanor was unwavering. My concern for your happiness knows no bounds. Your helpless, pathetic chirps of attention were soon replaced by thundering roars of passion that pulsated into the horizon.

From that little yellow ball of feathers, I've watched over you until you became a beautiful paragon that soared majestically in the heavens. You reign supreme in the highest skies. You possess the most terrifying of all battle cries. You're the ruling Queen of the Infinity, that's no surprise....


I was the wind beneath your wings....



And then...





..

you just flew off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

Ungrateful?

Disgraceful?

Disloyal?

Betrayal?

Pity?

Guilty?

Insensible?

Reprehensible?

Confusion?

Delusion?

Never will I know the reason.

...

No Sunshine

*Sigh*

Ain't noooooo sunshine............ when she's gone...

Ain't nooooooo sunshine.............. when she signs off on windows live without talking to me.........

Inadequate

Dear Diary

Despite valiant efforts to be self-sufficient in mathematics, I struggled through the first class test.

While being top ‘chiong-ster’ in class for completing tutorials way before in advance, ironically making ends meet simply to master a subject wasn’t enough for me. They even teasingly called me ‘no-life boy’ when they spotted me doing revision exercises during 15 minute breaks. I laughed it all off because well... it’s true anyway.

However things went screwy during the Engineering Maths class test today – the first of many to come. Could it be overconfidence? I got stuck in a few short questions. Some answers looked too shitty to be called ‘answers’. Even with multiple analyses of my workings, I couldn’t seek out what went wrong. This only proves one thing – my efforts are inadequate.

I’m not afraid of failure – because I don’t believe in failure. When you fall, you get back up, dust yourself and keep moving forward. You don’t cry. You don’t turn around. You don’t go back. You just move forward. To be honest, I kinda expected this to happen. Just because you blasted off to a flying start doesn’t mean you’ll soar effortlessly all the way to the end. I foresaw this from a mile away and it was only a matter of time before my first slip-up from the starting point. Still I’m glad I took it positively.

You should too. The state of your life is only a reflection of your state of mind. It's not you who is inadequate. Your EFFORTS are inadequate. My words may sound cliché to you, but then again, we’re not all optimists. Maybe not yet. Believe in your dreams. Believe in yourself.

Soon

Dear Diary

7:30am. On the MRT today, there was a lady standing in front of me. She was a tad shorter, so when she text messaged I could see what she wrote (I'm bored dammit, I was bored!!). Her words she texted, possibly to her husband seemed to match well with the metal I was listening to.

She wrote "Anw dear, 2day I dreamt my mother died. I think im going to die soon."

At first I was like 'duh, everyone's gonna die soon. -.-'. It didn't take me long before I pondered over what she could be thinking right now. I recalled an experience similar to the first part of what she said, coz it happened to me once. I hadn't realized depression was so widespread, the person just next to you could be downright depressed. The lady took a seat in the row in front of me.

She had panda eyes, I noticed, her eyelids half shut. It's like she was emo on the inside. O.O I was suddenly reminded of how the 'eyes are the windows to the soul'. It was true. She stared blankly onto the floor. Her eyes were cold and devoid of light. Her misery was contagious....

......

God....
Thank you for giving me this day for me to live the fullest.
It's a great day to be alive.

Frustration

Dear Diary,

It has only been a few weeks in Poly and I have changed tremendously. I get frequent impulses of frustration to lash out on someone and engage in physical violence. My mind is like a ticking time bomb.



Yesterday I almost punched a man in the face for repeatedly testing my patience. My subconcious mind automatically blocked off his moronic words and I ignored him. I told my uncle I 'wouldn't have spared him if his face didn't look so pathetic'.



Today I abruptly grabbed a friend by the collar and stared at him fiercely in the eyes as if a bully would do, absurdly, for no particular reason. I unintentionally embarrass myself. My legs, throughout the day, was itching to kick someone.



I contemplated, and concluded that this state of emotion was merely a side product of my recent surge in motivation fused with excessive physical strain. Adaptation to new attitudes, unfortunately, does take its toll..

I'm very sure dealing with emotional stress is something everyone will have to master. Once in a while, unsurprisingly we all go through mood swings etc. But please note: being emotional is not a weakness. Being emotional is a gift.

As you can see from the story above (yes, it's truly about me), I find myself in unsettling situations whereby anger sometimes boils beyond control. Patience and self-control is crucial in anger management, but I think it's possible that we can convert our emotional energy into more useful energy. Usually on my way home from school, if I have any fury stored up inside, I'd unleash them at home. I'd channel that anger into strength - relentlessly putting my body through intense physical workout. I'll continue for as long as it takes to calm myself.

If that's not enough, I'd (this may be a tad hard to believe) revise my schoolwork. Stockpiling harmful negative emotions can lead to self-destruction, and I'm sure we all don't want that. It's important to focus our mind's attention to other things such as reading. You see, emotions can be a key source of motivation. If we have a strong believe in ourself and our potential, emotions plus passion creates the ultimate fuel in the drive towards excellence.

Okaaay... I gotta go. My daily routine is stepped up tenfold, so I'll blog whenever I think is necessary. Still, your tags are immensely appreciated and valued, and please get the idea that I DO READ and NOTICE them.

=) Thank you.

Transition

DASE 1A02 and the incredibly pathetic class poster

***

Absence equals serenity equals transition.

=)

Note to Self: It's time for change.

Idiosyncrasy

It's the era whereby living soul symbolize the epitome of idiosyncrasy.

'Normal' has no meaning anymore.

It's insane.

There's not a seed of sanity on this planet anymore... wait, I mean..

There's not a grain of sanity on this planet anymore... wait, I mean..

There's not an atom of sanity on this planet anymore.. wait, I mean..

There's not a quark of sanity on this planet anymore.

Keyboard Cucumber

Hi.

(My life is ending, what more do you expect from a greeting? -.-)

Anyways, I'm STILL stuck at home enduring the heart-stopping thrills of a couch potato life. Actually I'm more of a computer person than tv so what does that make me? O.o Desk Tomato? Keyboard Cucumber? Laptop Onion? Software Broccoli?

So here's the deal: Dad wont let me watch Meerkat Manor coz he says 'What's so interesting about a bunch of rats?'

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?! Meerkats are NOT rats. And neither are they cats! They're related to the mongoose family.. a branch of the family of mammals. Just like the Prairie Dog belongs to the rodent family, not canine. But then again, why would you care?

Meerkat Manor is just as dramatic as a reality show or soap opera but its all meerkats. AND ITS SO EXCITING! Infidelity.. male rivalry.. murder.. social dysfunction.. betrayal.. clan wars.. perilous situations.. you wont believe all sorts of shit goes on in a meerkat's life!! Its on Animal Planet everyday. Everyone in the house thinks I'm an idiot watching some stupid show about rats.. but who cares. They may look cute and cuddly but theyre can be barbaric and unethical when it comes to family affairs. HAHAHAHA! What more can you want from an animal? I love these meerkats!

Right I gotta go for now.. Quick post better than no post right? Hahaha~

Gotta blast.

Irrefutable

'Misery's my Company'

This phrase sounds irrefutably familiar................

Where the hell have I heard it before??

-.-

Variations

From left to right: luke - hyder - zach

Who doesn't love variations?

:)

(Please excuse our trademark hand-signs. We just can't help it).

Unappreciative

WHY DO YOU STILL COMPLAIN WHEN YOUR LIFE IS SO GODDAMNED..

PERFECT?
PERFECT?
PERFECT?
PERFECT?
PERFECT?
PERFECT?
PERFECT?
PERFECT?
PERFECT?
PERFECT?
PERFECT?
PERFECT?

WOULD YA PLEASE ANSWER THE QUESTION?
NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOU SING ABOUT TRAGEDY, DUMB ASS.

Hell-bent

Gives You Hell - The All American Rejects

When you see my face hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell

If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well

Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell

Truth be told I miss you

And truth be told I'm LYING

It's really amusing listening to this song over and over again. It gets conciliatory after awhile when the song's stuck in your noggin. Still I find the lyrics way too ridiculous, but what the hell.. haha.

Something's bugging me.

Come Hell or High Water, everyone seems like they're raising HELL about the opposite sex on their blogs. Most of it is of course, teenage 'what-the-HELL's, while the rest are too full of crud - wasting away the precious minutes of my life. Dammit, damn you.(to HELL).Why can't everyone just be merry with what they have instead of whining about what you don't.

Patience - It's a simple theory to happiness.

-.0

Let's put this little problem of yours a lil' bit simpler:

You don't know what the HELL's wrong with yourself even though been through HELL and back. You're still HELL-bent on repeating your actions over and over again. Getting yourself trapped with unnecessary commitments just for the HELL of it.

HELL yeah, tell me if it's all worth it: all those months, all those morons giving you HELL, turning their back on you....You know you deserve a HELL lot more than this shit but you'd rather be in HELL.

Putting yourself through HELL and now you're crawling in the dark TM, looking for an escape rope to dawn in from heaven. Right now I'm giving you a slice of HELL, so listen closely to the bottomline:

GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF

Doubt

And you said I couldn't draw no more.

El Loco Poco

Updates, eh?

This blog isn't dead.. it's just a little neglected. I've been busy with writing my new fantasy fiction story (which comprises of 3 blogs ) so I sorta left my CrawlingInTheDark blog alone.. in the dark. Hahaha. It's been a long while since the end of that stupid 'war'. I've been thinking about what I've been doing before that and what've I become today. Too much things.. most are irrelevant things which I could have chosen to forget but instead I dwell excessively on them..

I'm always that person: The kind who asks crazy questions and looks for the answers which he'll never find. Yeah. El Loco Poco.

Most likely there aren't gonna be much posts until maybe I establish my 'new' life at Singapore Polytechnic (aerospace electronics!!! =D). Could I call this 'metamorphosis'? I don't think so.

All this while I commonly use this strong word call 'metamorph' to describe a major change or a turning point in my character. But now.. all of it seems so insignificant.. irrelevant.. pointless.. not even worth mentioning.

Those 'changes'... were they just the fated, aftermath products of the oppressive chain of events occuring.. or are they a result of my own, harebrained decisions?

Was I living a lie all this while?

Metamorphosis. I sigh sympathetically of what I used to be. Or what I've dreamt of wanting to be. I told myself I wanted to change. Yes, I did change. But it was like the new year came early. Just another pathetic resolution. Another fruitless attempt at 'making a difference'. I did not bloom. I did not evolve. I did not mature. I merely progressed, an advancement too meagre to observe any difference at all!

I've grown less apt to write about the dramatic, painful yet emotionally-driven details of my life. Maybe all of it was a waste of time. Emo shmeemo. Maybe those guys were right.. could it be that I was a mere poser? Whichever way, poser or authentic.. doesn't really matter now does it? I did get to where I wanted to go.. But I took a detour thinking it was a shortcut... when I could have just walked forward.

I could have spent more time being grateful for what I have and not sulk over what I don't have. I could have realized my potential earlier. I've been gambling my destiny for so long without even realizing it. Well.. No point being regretful now. No point regretting later.

A new age has dawned once again. I'm not making anymore promises nor am I jeopardizing myself by putting my life on the line. From this moment on it'll be all out and no turning back.

I can't afford to turn back.

I am what I am: The first of me, like no one else.

Half-baked

da dum da dum...

*slap* *slap* *slap*

Nutty nutty nutty like a fruitcake.
Ooof. The rate of my heartbeat could exceed the speed of light if this insanity goes on.

GAWD, I need a vacation.

Encompassed

This latest poem is dedicated to.. well, you know who you are. ;)

~The Hug~

I gasped in relief, my feet stamping the floor
In delight, I attempted to comprehend my score
I mouthed words of sheer gratitude for my Lord
For He had blessed my L1R4
My eyes frantically searched the hall
For the person who’d picked me up everytime I fall

You promised a moment that would last forever
And then I’ve found you, seemingly cheery as ever
You turned to see a cracked smile on my face
I stood frozen, my feet cemented at its place

I every way you exemplify the phrase:
A world without you is only a waste in space

‘Fourteen?’ voiced out between your lips
I nodded in reply as my stomach did flips
Someone call the ambulance coz it was hard for me to dial
I was blinded from the radiance of your smile

Before I knew it, I was encompassed
In embrace which I wish would last
I felt my breath taken away
Like the tasty catch of the day
Being tugged at the end of a line
Which was nothing short of fine
Your angel wings shielded me from the world
And *BANG*, escaped my soul as it swirled

Everything else exploded into babel
My mind clouded and rocked unstable
My legs were fifty feet off the ground
My lungs were nowhere to be found
My brain will take years to come around
An emotion so immensely profound
In mere seconds I was completely spellbound
I was up so high I forgot what was down

And when I began to understand what this means
I was falling through bottomless ravines
My heart, my lungs and its inner machines
Resumed onto their usual routines
As my soul was sucked back where it belonged
From a wonderful moment I wish was prolonged
All the luck had run out of my four-leaf clover
In a blink of an eye I realized it was over

As you withdrew your arms from me
To continue on your pleasant hugging spree
I returned from my 5-second trip to cloud nine
Its blissful aftermath tingles down my spine
A hug which I expected to be so fine
How intoxicated was I? I could never define

Thank you =)

I'll never forget the day of my O Level results.

I'll never forget you.

Hyder is imperfect.

Zee

This post is for 238832 (OR to those who are taking O levels sometime later). I seriously hope you would spare some time and think before you fall prey to yourself. Read this story about a person I know too well.

A year gone. Blew away, like dust in the wind. The moment his last paper - Chemistry Paper 1 - ended, Zee’s classmates celebrated with the freedom they've imprisoned in their hearts for a long time. How intoxicating it felt, all the months of suffering, every drop of sweat shed in cramming their brains was worth it. The blissful thought of freedom obliterated every ounce of torment they've endured, for what felt like a century. But not the whole class felt that way. Zee didn’t. Zee did not spread his wings to fly just like the others did. He was stunned, in confusion, in fear.

The day Zee entered 3E1, he knew this was ‘it’. He made it here and he was proud of himself. People around him congratulated him for having made it to the Pure Science Class. He knew it was gonna be tough but he figured he should start off nice and easy. After all, he was in the first class. And he wasn’t going to ‘war’ that year anyway.

So Zee ambitiously lived each day, dreaming of being a hero. ‘Let life unveil itself’, he declared, an affirmation of his confidence and resolution to take it easy. He thought ‘There shall be an intense period before the O’s when THEN I’ll torture myself. There’s still time’. What he didn’t realize back then was that single thought, which he continued to reassure in his mind, was a pledge for suicide. Ultimately, he has already been defeated, without even entering the war.

As months proceeded, people around Zee thought he was progressing. Yes, Zee did his homework, but not all of them. Yes, Zee did pass his exams, but again, not all of them. Zee pardoned each failure with a mere ‘I’ll do better at the REAL thing – the O levels.” However, inspiration to amend his mistakes did not last long. He failed, he reassured improvement, and he failed again. He was living a lie. Lying to his relatives, his friends, his parents, most severely, to himself.

When Zee’s finally year approached, he imprudently assumed himself that ‘the intense period of preparation will come, but not now’. It remained engraved on the bulletin board inside his immature mind. He continued to cherish every praise, which did nothing more than only to inflate his ego. He took his time, his homework, his exams for granted.

Eventually, a tremendous amount of pressure cascaded down on him like a landslide. He assumed that period he’s so frequently reminded of has arrived. He started studying rapidly, attempting to hold on to whatever he can extract out of his textbooks. The moment he thought he had shifted into high gear, the world came crashing down on him. Life turned upside down.

Pressure multiplied as people showered him with high expectations, hopes and well wishes. Hours are maximized at the study table. Every math sum he tackled had only backfired him right in the face. Every science fact he jammed in, it only led him to new ones. Insane. Just plain insane.

Day 1 of war. Zee rode his horse proudly into battle, clutching hard onto his weapons, in anticipation of the enemy. A ripple of fear appeared on his face. His inner voice whispered deep into his ear, "You’re not ready.” Unfortunately his conscience was right.


Weeks of war were lived with nothing but anxiety, tension, and intensity. Painful morning and night preparations were deemed futile when Zee’s inner voice was proved right again – paper after paper. Zee was hit by a fever on the day of his Physics Paper 2, which hindered him completely from preparing for the next paper the next day: E Maths Paper 2.

His second shot at his MT paper was blown to shreds when his specialty in writing expository compositions proved to be no match for the question – but he was forced to take it on as he wasn’t prepared enough for the other choices. His inner voice was proved right yet again. It was like trying to slay a dragon with a sword, made of cotton.

The days went rapidly. Practicing Add Maths was like defusing bombs. Memorizing History was counting sand grains on the beach. Time constraints only led Zee to ‘selective studying’ – in other words, laying death traps for himself. The horror, the pain, the misery.

And there he stood. The day after O levels, feeling nothing but emptiness. Cold, dark, and immense emptiness. Never, I repeat, never think that you’ve done enough for yourself or think you’ll rejoice later.

What’s the point? What’s the fucking point if you’re just gonna weep and whimper when you get your Final results?
What’s the point throwing away so much money, four years of opportunity to achieve success, only to obtain failure?
What’s the point of regretting and wishing you could start all over again?

Don’t be a fool and permanently label yourself a loser by regretting later.

Here’s the truth: If you’ve been thinking highly of my resilience, intelligence, and diligence – you have clearly overestimated me. I was in the first class, that doesn’t make me a champion. Zee was a boy who was a fool who had been immersed in selfish overconfidence, relishing the worthless worldly pleasures and busy finding buried treasure when he’s actually digging his own grave.

Time and time again, you hear people tell you: ‘Work very hard’, ‘Do your best’, ‘It’s for your own good’.. I’m not here to nag and repeat those, but like you, I am a teenager too. I’ve been through this.

Take some time to think about what you have done and what you have become. Most importantly, what you will become if you keep this up. Time waits for no man, and I know it sounds cliché, but there’s no other way. You have a lot of potential, don’t turn the tables on yourself.

Don’t be like Zee.
Don’t be like me.

It’s just not worth it.